Waiting is inevitable...but enjoying the waiting that is the challenge.
Its easy for me to look at a situation, evaluate it, come up with a plan of attack and execute it. Its hard for me to look at a situation not be sure what to do and have to trust that someone else does. Especially when their plan often seems to go in backward motion or no motion and something inside feels like it would be better to at least jump up and down and do some crazy running silly pointless dance than sit there and watch grass grow waiting for something to appear.
And when that someone is God...I think He knows this about me. God :-) I think that is why He told me to stop thinking about or worrying about marriage and he gave me a more and equally less ambiguous task to pursue. It was easy to look at a relationship and say "Ahhh HA this is what is to be done!" Even if it wasn't but it seemed good to me. To love a person and pursue their friendship and give them all they want that I can give...that I enjoy. To love a person and withhold from them what they want, knowing it will make them angry and even possibly hurt them because I know and God has made it clear that this is what I must do in order to keep God first in my life and love them well...this I hated. Tough love requires more faith than I have.
So God said just pursue writing... and this...this...well yes this makes me feel very lonely and lost. This requires me to really and absolutely trust God and I see how incredibly miniscule my faith truly is. I feel like a girl on top of a hill surrounded by miles and miles of prairie grass with no tree within visible sight or walking distance. This place is incredibly vulnerable. Told to wait and trust and enjoy. But sometimes its hard to enjoy when the terrors of your mind are greater that the minor fears of reality. This however is a perfect place to be because I am expressly told to not pursue love...my favorite (and to this day fruitless) pursuit.
No...I have been commanded to Trust. And to wait to be pursued... Which would be far easier if I could put myself out into the middle of a highway with an oncoming Mac truck forced to hit me a.k.a pursue me. But how I ask myself as I sit on my hill digging my fingers deep into grass and periodically typing away on my computer am I to be found and pursued alone in the middle of no where surrounded by ...grass?
And how will they know that part of pursuing me is to get to know my family and friends and love them as I do...to cherish my life that is not here...when those people aren't even around me and how will I even know....and more thoughts and questions with impossible answers swirl through my head and then...I hear that voice again...and its laughing! with all of the audacity of mocking my questions. Only its not a cruel laugh its a tender knowing laugh. more of a rolling chuckle that makes me laugh too. Makes me forget about the stupidity of perfection and things looking the way I think they should. It makes me take up my pen and begin to write again of the stories that are so much easier to see on a grassy knoll than in the business of the city and the chaos of people's lives.
yes a grassy knoll is the place to let life go...and trust.
Its easy for me to look at a situation, evaluate it, come up with a plan of attack and execute it. Its hard for me to look at a situation not be sure what to do and have to trust that someone else does. Especially when their plan often seems to go in backward motion or no motion and something inside feels like it would be better to at least jump up and down and do some crazy running silly pointless dance than sit there and watch grass grow waiting for something to appear.
And when that someone is God...I think He knows this about me. God :-) I think that is why He told me to stop thinking about or worrying about marriage and he gave me a more and equally less ambiguous task to pursue. It was easy to look at a relationship and say "Ahhh HA this is what is to be done!" Even if it wasn't but it seemed good to me. To love a person and pursue their friendship and give them all they want that I can give...that I enjoy. To love a person and withhold from them what they want, knowing it will make them angry and even possibly hurt them because I know and God has made it clear that this is what I must do in order to keep God first in my life and love them well...this I hated. Tough love requires more faith than I have.
So God said just pursue writing... and this...this...well yes this makes me feel very lonely and lost. This requires me to really and absolutely trust God and I see how incredibly miniscule my faith truly is. I feel like a girl on top of a hill surrounded by miles and miles of prairie grass with no tree within visible sight or walking distance. This place is incredibly vulnerable. Told to wait and trust and enjoy. But sometimes its hard to enjoy when the terrors of your mind are greater that the minor fears of reality. This however is a perfect place to be because I am expressly told to not pursue love...my favorite (and to this day fruitless) pursuit.
No...I have been commanded to Trust. And to wait to be pursued... Which would be far easier if I could put myself out into the middle of a highway with an oncoming Mac truck forced to hit me a.k.a pursue me. But how I ask myself as I sit on my hill digging my fingers deep into grass and periodically typing away on my computer am I to be found and pursued alone in the middle of no where surrounded by ...grass?
And how will they know that part of pursuing me is to get to know my family and friends and love them as I do...to cherish my life that is not here...when those people aren't even around me and how will I even know....and more thoughts and questions with impossible answers swirl through my head and then...I hear that voice again...and its laughing! with all of the audacity of mocking my questions. Only its not a cruel laugh its a tender knowing laugh. more of a rolling chuckle that makes me laugh too. Makes me forget about the stupidity of perfection and things looking the way I think they should. It makes me take up my pen and begin to write again of the stories that are so much easier to see on a grassy knoll than in the business of the city and the chaos of people's lives.
yes a grassy knoll is the place to let life go...and trust.
沒有留言:
張貼留言