I woke up this morning again plagued by all that I need to do, have not done and may never do well. The enormity of life and doing it alone. Not having anyone to tell me what to do overwhelms me some days. I think maybe God is trying to teach me to trust His voice to take responsibility in my life and not to rely on others.
But that doesn't relieve the weight of today's failures. Of each nights dreams of all that I need to do and am not accomplishing. Of the pressure of a list of to dos that I can't see or touch but that weighs on my head and spirit. And the inevitable fear of failure. Maybe that is why school is so nice because the plan is laid out in front of you and you just do it, but its boring too because it is safe.
I reached over and turned on a praise song. I don't remember what it was now. I kind of fell asleep again after it played...but there was such joy and beauty in the song. Maybe it was Majesty, worship His majesty. Because as the song played the burden on my soul seemed to lift up and as I fell back asleep I could sense God's comfort and I was lost in conversation with Him. He seemed to reassure my soul that He is THAT BIG> HE IS SO BIG!
When I thought about His majesty and greatness and ability to do all that He does and has done I was almost overwhelmed. WHAT a GREAT GOD! I felt Him say "Crystal, its going to be ok. I am bigger. Don't worry about taking care of all these things. Let it go. I am not the one in your mind condemning you. I am not putting this on you."
Later that morning as I was reading a devotional, what a single woman had recently learned from her pastor's sermon series on marriage. She said "God is harsh towards false teachers and those who twist the gospel, but He is tender to the woman who is alone." and I started to cry. Overwhelmed with the knowledge and truth of that statement and the comfort of it, that I am not alone. That He is tender to me even as I am often mentally beating and berating myself. Tender, what a word. It makes me think of the times I have been able to pick up a baby goat or lamb or kitten, so fragile and scared, and everything in my body just relaxes and my heart screams out to try and comfort that little one, to let it know its not alone that its ok and it can trust me. Tender...God is tender like that to me.
My dad and my uncle just left the country for awhile. Under their protection and covering of love I often feel the courage to stand and walk confidently. But now they are gone, a picture of my future when age finally takes them for good. A single woman has a great life ahead of her, but sometimes the picture of its loneliness can be overwhelming. So how could I not cry having just seen myself as a girl alone on a hill. Alone against the world, with no answers to all of life's questions. Tossed back and forth by the wind and potentially beaten down and destroyed by all of the great hardships of what ifs. And then suddenly realizing the truth, that the God of the universe, so fierce against injustice and those who harm the innocent and the sin which destroys us...that fierce warrior was by my side...not fiercely but tenderly. That He would drop it all to hold me, to care for me. A tiny insignificant failure, running in circles, not always keeping my word, full of doubt and selfishness and lack of self control...extremely needy...in fact me someone I tend to despise...He would tenderly care for me. So of course tears filled my eyes as I was overwhelmed by His goodness to me.
But that doesn't relieve the weight of today's failures. Of each nights dreams of all that I need to do and am not accomplishing. Of the pressure of a list of to dos that I can't see or touch but that weighs on my head and spirit. And the inevitable fear of failure. Maybe that is why school is so nice because the plan is laid out in front of you and you just do it, but its boring too because it is safe.
I reached over and turned on a praise song. I don't remember what it was now. I kind of fell asleep again after it played...but there was such joy and beauty in the song. Maybe it was Majesty, worship His majesty. Because as the song played the burden on my soul seemed to lift up and as I fell back asleep I could sense God's comfort and I was lost in conversation with Him. He seemed to reassure my soul that He is THAT BIG> HE IS SO BIG!
When I thought about His majesty and greatness and ability to do all that He does and has done I was almost overwhelmed. WHAT a GREAT GOD! I felt Him say "Crystal, its going to be ok. I am bigger. Don't worry about taking care of all these things. Let it go. I am not the one in your mind condemning you. I am not putting this on you."
Later that morning as I was reading a devotional, what a single woman had recently learned from her pastor's sermon series on marriage. She said "God is harsh towards false teachers and those who twist the gospel, but He is tender to the woman who is alone." and I started to cry. Overwhelmed with the knowledge and truth of that statement and the comfort of it, that I am not alone. That He is tender to me even as I am often mentally beating and berating myself. Tender, what a word. It makes me think of the times I have been able to pick up a baby goat or lamb or kitten, so fragile and scared, and everything in my body just relaxes and my heart screams out to try and comfort that little one, to let it know its not alone that its ok and it can trust me. Tender...God is tender like that to me.
My dad and my uncle just left the country for awhile. Under their protection and covering of love I often feel the courage to stand and walk confidently. But now they are gone, a picture of my future when age finally takes them for good. A single woman has a great life ahead of her, but sometimes the picture of its loneliness can be overwhelming. So how could I not cry having just seen myself as a girl alone on a hill. Alone against the world, with no answers to all of life's questions. Tossed back and forth by the wind and potentially beaten down and destroyed by all of the great hardships of what ifs. And then suddenly realizing the truth, that the God of the universe, so fierce against injustice and those who harm the innocent and the sin which destroys us...that fierce warrior was by my side...not fiercely but tenderly. That He would drop it all to hold me, to care for me. A tiny insignificant failure, running in circles, not always keeping my word, full of doubt and selfishness and lack of self control...extremely needy...in fact me someone I tend to despise...He would tenderly care for me. So of course tears filled my eyes as I was overwhelmed by His goodness to me.
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